Making Pacific Rim Look Like Citizen Kane

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Title: Colossal

Rating: 1 Star

Talking about getting sucked into a movie by its trailer. I then saw that it got a reasonable score on Rotten Tomatoes. I thought that it had a decent chance of being the off-beat kind of movie that I usually get into.

Anne Hathaway stars as a woman (Gloria) living in New York that has lost control of her life. She’s lost her job, lost her boyfriend, and is partying too much. Having nowhere else to go, she heads back to her home town, where she connects up with apparently one of her good friends (Oscar) from her childhood.

Concurrent with that, periodically a Godzilla like monster starts terrorizing Seoul. Gloria eventually comes to the stunning conclusion that somehow she is guiding the movements of the monster. At a certain time at the day, if she stands in a certain part of a children’s playground, she can cause the monster to materialize and her motions then mimic the monster’s.

She shows Oscar and a couple of his friends this, and inadvertently kills hundreds of people in Seoul in so doing. Traumatized, she decides to never do it again. Oscar, trying to help her, discovers that he also can materialize a huge robot in Seoul. This power goes to Oscar’s head, and he becomes increasingly erratic. Gloria realizes that she must fight Oscar to save Seoul.

Sounds quirky? Sounds offbeat? In execution, it’s pretty asinine.

It’s a Godzilla movie, so I get that much of it is not supposed to make sense. But even in the make believe universe that this move inhabits, it pretty much complete nonsense.

Gloria, for reasons not obvious to anyone, has a one night stand with Oscar’s friend, Joel. Why? Who knows? There is one weird flirtation between the two before that, which Oscar shuts down with a cryptic comment that’s never explained.

Oscar has another friend named Garth that Oscar out of the blue accuses of cocaine use. Why? If this really leaves Garth so incensed, why does he come back? Oscar has no hold over Garth. It’s just dropped in there to show what a jerk Oscar is.

In front of Gloria’s ex-boyfriend, Oscar nearly destroys his bar. Why? To show his power over her?

Why does Oscar’s house look like a level 4 hoarder? Where does Oscar get all of the furniture that he gives to Gloria? He made a comment about a dead relative, but it was played as if this was an obvious lie.

Essentially, none of the relationships make sense. It’s as if the script was written by a robot with no knowledge of how relationships are formed and/or mature.

And again, I get that this is a monster movie, but seriously a couple of lightning bolts hit Gloria and Oscar in the head while they’re wandering around lost in a undeveloped piece of land (that later turns into the children’s playground) as children and this somehow allows them to manifest monsters in Seoul (only at a certain time and only for a short duration)?

Gloria does get hurt when the South Korea attacks her manifested monster. It looks as if continuing to shoot missiles would have actually killed the monster. Why did they stop?

And I won’t give away the ending, but the finale is even dumber. A component of it is Gloria flying to South Korea literally at a moment’s notice. How does a part time waitress even afford a ticket to South Korea?

I could go on. There was just so much nonsense in this movie. The only movie that I’ve seen that even comes close to it on the dumb scale is Pacific Rim. I get that Pacific Rim is beloved by some, but man, I thought it was the most nonsensical, stupid movie that I’d seen in many years.

If anything, Colossal is even dumber than Pacific Rim.

Or perhaps I’m just missing out on the charm of the monster movie genre. I can live with that.

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